Sign in a Laundromat:
Sign in a London department store:
In an office:
On a church door:
Outside a photographer's studio:
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
Outside a disco:
Sign warning of quicksand:
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
Sign on motorway garage:
Notice in health food shop window:
Spotted in a safari park:
Seen during a conference:
Notice in a field:
Sign on a repair shop door:
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE' GROWING OLDER
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
You join a health club and don't go.
You're still chasing women, but can't remember why.
You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
The Secret To A Happy Marriage
My wife & I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go out to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker.
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
Remember .. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" ..I said, "Dust!"
Why do Men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to.
In the beginning God created the Earth and then rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.